Evaporation

Trigger warning: I'm going to be talking about my depression.

While although this can be a sensitive topic for some, I think there is power in sharing your story. Even though depression or anxiety doesn't just go away with a flip of the switch or 5 different magic pills, I am thankful that I have found a way to manage or cope or dare I say overcome my depression. Like I said, it doesn't just disappear or go away forever. I experience bouts of it every once in a while, be it "seasonal" or otherwise...I have, in gratitude, found peace and happiness. This is something I thought would never exist for me at one point in my life.

So I hope you read this and see hope.

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Have you ever felt like evaporating into nothingness...

e·vap·o·ra·tion

/əˌvapəˈrāSH(ə)n/

noun

1. the process of turning from liquid into vapor.

2. the process of something abstract ceasing to exist.

I'm talking about definition number 2. This is what battling depression feels like for me.

This is a hard, hard reality to confront. Although I can speak candidly now about my mental health, revisiting moments like these can be a bit anxiety inducing for me. But this feeling of wanting to evaporate, I have felt quite a few times in my life.

I didn't realize depression could look so different on me in different parts of my life. Sometimes it was going out with friends having a blast on the outside, but internally, I was screaming and no one can hear me. Sometimes its abusing substances to numb the pain or dissociative behaviors. Sometimes it was binge watching shows and eating gallons of ice cream. Sometimes it's laying in the shower tub, hoping to feel the water, but feeling nothing at all. Sometimes it's having your best friend pick you up off the floor and dress you and not remember it until years later. Sometimes, it was getting up at 3:30AM leaving the safety of your house and roaming the streets in solitude, cry and smoke a cigarette. And sometimes it was laying down on the hardwood floor not moving at all, hoping you would just evaporate.

This is what this painting is about. I completed this self portrait at a time of my life where evaporating seemed like the only option left. I am grateful that I had my art. This was one thing I clung onto. To get all the darkness out and on paper or canvas. In someways this painting can seem dark and grim. But I find it hopeful because of where I am now.

Moments like these are simply that, moments. And they don't last forever. And there is hope in that. The one thing we can know for certain is that change is the only constant in our lives. So our circumstances and our darkest of days will soon change too. Finding the best way to cope with that and push through in the mean time is going to depend on you. What is something that makes you feel hopeful? What is something that can get you through until that change happens?

For me art, meditation, friends, and family got me through. I create art to process my feelings and to share messages to the world on inclusivity, love, and connection. I meditate to stay balanced and cleanse my negative energies. I share time with friends and family to remind me what matters most in life. I don't know where you are and how you are feeling, but remember, change is inevitable and in each moment there is hope.

This painting is called 'Evaporation' as part of the Selfie Project. It was completed in 2016. It is acrylic paint, graphite, and charcoal on 24"X14" mixed media part.