lost

lost /lôst,läst/

verb past and past participle of lose.

adjective

unable to find one's way; not knowing one's whereabouts. denoting something that has been taken away or cannot be recovered.

Self Portrait by Bree Mercado called the Lost

medium: acrylic, graphite, charcoal, ink on canvas

year: 2018

Have you ever felt totally utterly lost?

Physically lost...it can be very scary in those moments. I remember at a very very young age, I went the zoo with my family. It was a large group of us. Several of my cousins and I were standing on the little fence staring at baby gorillas playing through a glass window. I was mesmerized. So much so I did not hear my parents or cousins say it was time to move onto the next exhibit. I just stayed there staring at those baby gorillas play. One second I was surrounded by my family..the next, I was utterly by myself. I turned to laugh with my cousin and it was a stranger. I turned around to see if they were behind me. No one but strangers... I ran out to the middle of the path and what seemed like a lifetime, I spun around with my arms wide reaching toward my family that was no where to be found and I began crying. Why would they leave me? I was lost.

In the same breath, I felt a tug on my arm from behind from one of my older cousins, reprimanding me for not paying attention when we all stepped away. Looking back, I can't imagine how far away or how long they actually were gone before they realized I didn't follow...Perhaps a minute or even seconds...But to me it felt like an eternity!

Not just physically though...because even though that is one of the scariest feelings being lost as a child or even as an adult in a really really good corn maze at the local pumpkin patch...but also emotionally or spiritually.

Being lost in this intangible way can be worse than being lost physically. It's like you know where you are physically and it can be in your very home or art studio (for me). But sometimes you feel so lost your heart aches and your soul feels like it is withering away. I've gone through several periods in my life feeling like this. I think it's because I'm one of those people constantly searching for an answer I may never get...but each time, I've been able to come out of it, thankfully. Perhaps more inspired or motivated in further pursuit of those all mighty questions we may all have thought of once or 10 times in life.

I've found it was in those lost times, when I leaned into my passions that I found my way once again. Whether it be sitting down and painting my heart away...literally letting the tears flow onto the paper or canvas, writing my deepest secrets in long winded poems of agony, or spending time with those I care about family, friends, and creative minds that understand my soul and my need to create. It's in those times that I MUST lean into what matters most, what lights me on fire, what motivates me, what makes me feel like I can make a difference.

This self portrait was one I completed in one sitting. It emotes hidden pains, those automatic negative thoughts that keep you the deepest darkest parts of yourself, that many do not see. I enjoyed this self portrait because I was feeling lost. Lost to the meaning of life and my purpose...But through that painting, back in 2018 (I believe), it sparked joy..It dawned on me, perhaps this feeling of lost is not lost, it's just unclear. If things seem hopeless, and like you are lost..It might just be unclear. And you have to keep the path, you have to keep putting one foot in front of the other to get through the unclear and pave the way. Make it until it is clear. Keep going until you find the way through.

Do you every feel lost? What do you do to find your way?